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Random Thought for Friday, August 28, 2015: Seppuku with a Spork

IMG_20140505_085058Welcome to Friday’s Random Thought.

I tell ya, there are days that make me want to commit Seppuku with a Spork and just go on to the next life as a pebble in someone’s shoe as to provide the same irritation and pain that I have encountered this week.

For the uninitiated, Seppuku is the Japanese ritual form of suicide by cutting open one’s abdomen and removing your bowels.  A spork is a spoon with little teeth at the tip of the spoon bowl thus acting as a fork.  Spoon + Fork = Spork.

Why would I want to kill myself with a Spork?  Wouldn’t that hurt?  Well frankly, it would hurt a lot but it would hurt much less than some of the stupidity I’ve had to endure this week.

No, I’m not going to go into a rant about traffic. Traffic is tangible proof of the existence of evil. Red minivans, they are also proof of evil but not so much when said minivan has a child in the back seat entertaining you with a sock puppet while you are stuck in traffic. Then they are not evil but rather a wonderful impromptu puppet theater, Shakespeare would be proud.

Of course, when that sock puppet flicks you off, then yeah, they are evil again. But I digress.  This week led me down the path of going insane while trying to be helpful.

You see, I was in line at a Wal-Mart when the person in front of me was paying cash and was short 6 cents.  They spent a lot of time running through their pockets, purse, wallet without success.

Naturally, I offered the lady a quarter to help her out. That was my first mistake.

She went off on how rude I was and how I needed to learn to be patient and wait my turn in line. She then started to yell at the cashier about how she needed to just give her the 6 cents.

The cashier tried to explain that they are not allowed to do that and she reminded the lady of “that nice gentleman was willing to help her out with a quarter.” That was my second mistake, still standing there patiently waiting my turn.

The lady whom we shall now call Miss Unhappy, turned to me and yelled again about how insulting I was for not waiting my turn. She then rooted through the bags in her cart, selected an item, threw it at the cashier and told her to take it off the till.

The cashier asked if she was sure and again motioned to me.  My third mistake, offering the quarter again.

Miss Unhappy proceeded to let forth the theory that my parents were never married, that I lacked patience and respect for others. She snatched her receipt from the cashier and stormed out of the Wal-Mart.

The cashier looked at me, apologized for what happened and began to ring up my items.  I told the cashier that it was okay, it wasn’t her fault. I said that Capitus Inrectus Maximus was a serious mental disorder but doctors were making advances everyday.

She laughed and handed me my receipt. As I was leaving they were checking receipts at the exit and again I found myself behind Miss Unhappy.

She was rooting through her stuff for the receipt and yelling about how they were wasting her time. How can you lose a receipt that quickly, I don’t know.  As I stood their waiting, the cashier came up behind me, grabbed my elbow and lead me around Miss Unhappy. She then checked my receipt and bag, marked my receipt and told me to have a nice day.

Miss Unhappy protested and the cashier held up her hand and said “Sorry, he was in the wrong line. I took him to the overly patient, overly generous, overly respectful and overly abused by another customer’s line. We reserve that line for people like that gentleman who have to deal with people who behave like you. You got a problem with that? My boss is over there, complain about it to him.”

Miss Unhappy just stood there in shock. A man walked over who was the manager the cashier pointed to, asked Miss Unhappy for her receipt which she finally found and told her she could leave the store now in such a way that there was no question it was a demand rather than request.

I stood there watching this scene continue to unfold. Miss Unhappy huffed past me and out the door. The cashier, manager and receipt checker all looked at me, shrugged. I left and watched Miss Unhappy yell about how her car door would not open.

As you may have guessed, I didn’t make that fourth mistake and offer to help her again but I did mention her difficulties to the cop that was parked next to me. Yeah, I do feel bad for sending that officer into potentially harmful situation and yes, I would have liked to stay and watch that show but my bullshit meter was pegged full at that point.

So, my advice. Learn the symptoms of Capitus Inrectus Maximus. Trust me, you need to steer clear of people like that.

Oh and for the record, my parents were married but I do know how to be a bastard when the occasion calls for it. If that cop survived Miss Unhappy, perhaps he could tell you about that.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Published inFriday's Random ThoughtHumor

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